Everybody’s Free to Watch……….Hockey

 A re-working of the Baz Luhrmann hit ‘Sunscreen’ by Shorty, originally published in The Cat’s Whiskers Issue #1 March 2000

Watch hockey…….

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, hockey would be it.

The benefits of hockey have been constantly misunderstood by television producers, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own Saturday night experiences.

I will dispense this advice now….

Enjoy the power play and passing of you favourite team. Oh never mind, you will not understand the offside rule until it’s faded, but trust me, in 20 years you’ll look at the videos of those games and recall in a way you can’t grasp how often they scored and how fabulous it really was. You were not as thick as you imagined.

Don’t worry about where the next goal is coming from. or worry, but know that worrying is about as effective as trying to get Dennis Vial in the All Star team.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your hockey mad mind, like the unexpected support of the Steelers when Panthers are in a final.

Slag off one player that scares you.

Sing badly.

Be reckless when buying other peoples tickets, but don’t put up with others who are reckless when buying yours.

Woo!!

Don’t waste your time on the Steelers.

Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end it’s only for an egg cup.

Make up for the trophies you’ve received, forget the finals you’ve lost. If you don’t succeed in doing this pretend to be a Giant.

Keep your old hockey shirts, throw away your Lightening Jack masks.

Dance.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know the Macarena. The Storm fans I know didn’t know at 22 how to do it. Some of the hippest 40 year old Storm fans I know still don’t.

Score plenty of goals.

Don’t be kind to their netminder. You’ll hardly ever see him have a mare.

Maybe you’ll win, maybe you won’t.

Maybe you’ll get to the play-offs. Maybe you won’t.

Maybe you’ll win the 50-50.

Maybe you’ll dress up like the Village People at the finals on your 75th birthday.

Whatever you do, congratulate yourself far too much and berate the Devils. Your choices are sheep, sheep and sheep. So are everybody else’s.

Enjoy the use of someone else’s season ticket. Use it when you can. Don’t be afraid of giving it back. It’s probably the only time you’ll ever be thanked.

Chant.

Even if you don’t know the words, ignore the tune and just clap.

Read hockey magazines, draw false moustaches on Rick Brebant’s face.

Get to know your players. You never know when you’ll have to ask them for tickets.

Be nice to your forwards. They’re your best link to the play-offs and the names your most likely to have on your shirt.

Understand that team owners come and go, and with a bit of luck you will still be in business after Christmas.

Work hard to bridge the gap in refereeing, because the older you get, the harder it will be to spot the cross check from behind.

Support London once but leave before they give you a wooden spoon. Support Storm once but leave before you get your hubcaps stolen.

Cry.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Your netminder is blind in one eye, empty net goals are not always scored by Tony Hand, four trophies to four different teams is not a co-incidence. And when you accept these, you will fantasise that when your team was good you could drive out of Sheffield without hearing a single car horn.

Respect the Bees.

Don’t expect anyone else to support them. Maybe you’ll love them, maybe you won’t, but you never know when you’ll need their support in a final.

Don’t mess with the Geordies, or by the time you’re 25 you’ll look like Jimmy Nail.

Be careful whose players you pinch, but be patient with those players who leave you.

The Challenge Cup is a rip off. Dispense with it by sending it back to the Big Breakfast!