From The Press #4 – Dan Tessier Ate My Hamster

DAN TESSIER ATE MY HAMSTER
Superstar put live pet in sandwich, says Brit

Special report by Kim D’Panther

Superstar centre Dan Tessier put a live hamster in a sandwich and ate it, Brit forward Ashley Tait claimed yesterday.
He said, “I was sickened and horrified. He killed my pet.”
“It’s something I’ll never forget. He put my hamster between two slices of bread and started eating it.”
“He thought it was hilarious.” Said Tait. “He just fell about laughing.”
Tait, 32, said the incident – which Tessier hastily denied – happened while the centre and the rest of the Steelers team and management attended a communal singing of the REM classic Shiny Happy People Holding Hands at Tait’s home in Sheffield.
Ashley, a British forward whom Dave Matsos apparently loves, said “I walked into the kitchen and there he was putting my poor, defenceless hamster into his sandwich.” He continued “I tried to stop him but he threatened to high stick me in the face. I know how good he is at that.”
“There was nothing else we could do,” said fellow Brit Jonathan Philips. “We had no choice but to chase him out of Sheffield with the very golf clubs we’d shoved in his face a few weeks earlier.”
“Taity has been left distressed and sickened by the whole incident.” Philips continued.
Last night Tessier said, “I have never eaten or even nibbled a live hamster, gerbil, guinea pig, mouse, shrew, vole or any other small mammal.”
“Naturally, as a wealthy hockey mercenary, I can quite afford to eat swans, geese and venison.”
In an unrelated development, the Sheffield Steelers were last night admitted into hospital suffering from a case of shooting oneself in the foot!