Christmas with the Family

This Yuletide, The Cat’s Whiskers in association with Blue Seat Records, brings you British Hockey’s recording event of the year as we present Christmas With The Family. Fifteen Beautiful carols and Christmas classics have been lyrically re-worked to pay tribute to the shocking state of the Steelers season and spread Christmas joy to anyone outside South Yorkshire. Sing along to classics such as…….

1. O Come All Ye Steelers (O Come all Ye Faithful)

O come all ye Steelers
Woeful and despondant
O come ye, o come ye
To t’house o’ tin

Come and be moaning
‘cos your team is useless

O come let us abhor him,
O come let us abhor him,
O come let us abhor him,
Da-a-vid Simms.

2. I Believe in t’Marketing Department (I believe in Father Christmas)

They said there’d be fans at Christmas
They said they’d come in their droves
But instead they’re just rows of blue seats
And Simms voice echoes and echoes

But I believe in t’ marketing department
I believe they’ll turn it round
Fans’ll come back again
But until then
The attendance you get you deserve

3. Ding Dong Verner’s Let In Five (Ding Dong Merrily on High)

Ding dong, Verner’s let in five,
Dave Matsos hands are wringing,
The defence left him out to dry,
The Steelers fans are singing…
Bo-oooooo-oooooo-oooooo-ooooooo-oooooo-olibruck,
Be on the next plane leaving.

4. Sheffield Steelers Everybody! (Merry Christmas Everybody)

Do you feel like hanging Cruikshank on a wall
Did you not know pride comes before a fall
Do you believe what Dave Simms tells you when he’s ranting in the press
When he says the Sheffield Steelers are the best

So here it is Sheffield Steelers
The league is almost done
If you think we’re laughing now
It’s only just begun

Are you waiting for the family to arrive?
The tin shed has got lots of room inside
Does your granny always tell you when then the Steelers were the best
Shame her tales are as inflated as Jordan’s chest

So here it is Sheffield Steelers
You used to be number one
You’re near the bottom now
Down where you belong

What will your Daddy do
If he sees Bob Phillips leaving country?
Ah ha!

5. Away in a Tin Shed (Away in a Manger)

Away in a tin shed
no fans in the seats
the falling attendance makes Bob Philips weep
the team was not winning
the hockey was dull
and no-one could remember when the tin shed was full

Bob Philips knows nothing
Dave Matsos knows less
The useless Rod Sarich is a confused mess
Is he a D man
or is he up front
Or is he just a big, stupid c…..hockey player!

6. Cruikshank the Lazy Steeler (Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer)

Cruikshank the lazy Steeler didn’t have many fans
But he wasn’t lonely
Because he had three chip pans
Some of the Steelers fan base
Used to laugh and throw him cake
The rest were just blue seats or they weren’t even awake

Then one grotty Yorkshire night
Matsos came to say
Bradley with your three chip pans
Will you cook for all our fans

Now all the Steelers love him
Because they get food to eat
And ‘cos he overfeeds them
They’re so easy to beat!

7. Let him go (Let it Snow)

Oh, the Steelers defence is frightful
When they lose it’s quite delightful
And since there’s only Hull below
Let him go, let him go, let him go.

The slide shows no signs of stopping,
And soon the league we will be propping;
The red lights never show,
Let him go, let him go, let him go

Dave Simms gives me a fright,
He could be heard over a storm;
I don’t think I’ll go tonight,
If I stay here at home I’ll be warm.

The team is slowly dying,
And to the league they are good-bye-ing,
So they want to let Matsos know.
Let him go, let him go, let him go.

8. Fairytale of Grimesthorpe (Fairytale of New York)

It was Christmas Eve mate,
Down the Enfield,
Ron Shudra said to me
Won’t see another one
And so we sang a song
About being number one
I turned my face away
The memories were hurting

We scored a lucky one
That made it 7-1
I’ve got a feeling
We’ll get a bollocking
So happy Christmas
Rest of t’Elite League
There’s not a better time
For you to take points off us

They’ve got Morgan and Dowd,
They’ve got Jeffery Legue,
They’ve got an empty arena
That’s full of blue seats
When I signed a contract on that cold Xmas Eve
I knew that the basement was waiting for me

They’re boring and shitty
The powerplay’s none too pretty
The defence they were leaking
Verner let in some more
Joe Talbot was missing
Mike O’Connor was dissing
They wouldn’t go in the corners
and bring out the puck

The boys of the Broughton Lane beaten team
Were losing home and away
And the time was running out to save the day

9. Uncle Bob is Coming to Town (Santa Claus is Coming to Town)

You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not lose
I’m telling you why
Uncle Bob is coming to town

He’s making a list
And checking it twice
Gonna find out who’s on two weeks notice
Uncle Bob is coming to town

He sees that you’re a shambles
He knows you’re in a state
He’s throwing bad money after good
So be cheap for goodness sake!

Oh you better watch out
You better not cry
Better not lose
I’m telling you why
Uncle Bob is coming to town

10. So this is Steelers (Merry Christmas, War is Over)

And so this is Christmas
And What have you won,
The Charity cheeseboard
And a day played for fun

And so this is Christmas
You’re still not well loved
Two games with the Panthers
I hope you turkeys get stuffed

A very pointless Christmas
And a crappy New Year
Better hope it’s a good one
Or it’s Ice Sheffield next year

11. Hockey Night (Silent Night)

Hockey night, Steelers are shite,
They can’t win, they can’t fight
Round Brad Cruikshank, lazy, fat slob
Brum announcer with a big gob
Watch from empty blue seats
Watch from empty blue seats

12. Twelve days of Steelers (Twelve Days of Christmas)

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Dave Matsos sent to me
Twelve fans a leaving
Eleven blocks of blue seats
Ten people watching
Nine rubbish imports
Eight goals conceeded
Seven places off first
Six Duff powerplays
Fiiiiiive soft goals
Four title sponsors
Three crocked ‘nucks
Two easy points
And a Basiuk with a duff knee.

13. Little David Ling (Little Drummer Boy)

Trevor Koenig, why wouldn’t you come?
We offered everything, why wouldn’t you come?
You’d make our home fans sing, why wouldn’t you come?
You’d be our goalie King, why wouldn’t you come?,
Please say you’ll come, we beg you come

But he stayed away, and he didn’t come,
It’s no fun.

McAllister, why wouldn’t you come?
We’re better than the rest, why wouldn’t you come?
Well we were last year, why wouldn’t you come?
Now they’ve nothing to fear, why wouldn’t you come?
Please say you’ll come, we beg you come

But he stayed away, and he didn’t come,
It’s no fun.

Oh David Ling, why wouldn’t you come?
We would be champions, why wouldn’t you come?
You’d help us win the league, why wouldn’t you come?
Instead we got Hutchins, why wouldn’t you come?
He had to go, he was too slow

This team needs your help, but you wouldn’t come,
It is no fun.

14. Losing in a Matsos Blunderland (Walking in a Winter Wonderland)

Bob Phillips, are you listening?
The team is crap, they’ve gone missing
The Steelers are shite
Each and every night
Losing in a Matsos Blunderland

In t’Arena Steelers they just blow man
You could say that they are pretty w*nk
When we asked for players you said no man
‘cos we have the assets of an Iceland bank!

Here to stay at the bottom
Can’t go up, ‘cos we’re rotten
It’s a wonderful sight
Seeing the Steelers so shite
Losing in a Matsos Blunderland
Woe, woe, woe
Losing in a Matsos Blunderland
Woe, woe, woe
Losing in a Matsos Blunderland
Woe, woe, woe

15. Sheffield Steelers Everyone (Merry Christmas Everyone)

Steelers falling
Down the table
We’re all laughing
Full of glee
They were the team that couldn’t be beaten
Now they’re keeping Hull company

Time for winning
And celebrating
We’ll be scoring
All night long
Time for presents from the Steelers defence
And their forwards aren’t that strong

We’re gonna get two points tonight
I’m gonna find that spot
Underneath the goalie’s legs and light up the red light

Arena’s empty
We’re scoring plenty
From the blue line
And from the wing
All I wish was we only played the Steelers
Every game we’d be sure to win.

Remember, Christmas With The Family isn’t available in any shops, but is available for a special one off payment of £19.95 + 4.95 postage & packaging. You can order your copy of Christmas With The Family by calling 0845 8439 7825, that’s 0845 THEY SUCK. Calls cost 5p a minute from BT landline, calls from Yorkshire will be considerably higher (they have to make money somehow!) Operators are standing by.

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